Friday, October 29, 2004

Halloween/Election Day fun/garbage

Fuckin A, it's almost Halloween, kids, the most important religious holiday of the year. That is, if you're a Wiccan or something. Halloween is important to Americans because it's the one time of year you get to pretend you're something other than a dull, unexciting moron who sits around watching TV all day waiting for the magical glowing box to tell you what to think, and instead you get to be what you really wanted to be, like a spaceman, or a witch, or a woman or something. Also, you get to get totally loaded while women (the smart ones at least) wear the most legally revealing costumes possible, such as a maid or Wonderwoman. Wearing costumes like that is also important to our cultural history, though if you really sat us down and asked us how that was we honestly couldn't tell you. On the other hand, however, yay boobies.

"So, Robert," you ask, "how can you possible improve upon the specimen of perfection that you obviously are?" And the answer to that would be: add a sword and take off my shirt. This generally improves the statue of anyone below 200 pounds. This Halloween should be pretty amusing, because I'll have both A: a lethal amount of booze in my bloodstream and B: a lethal weapon right in my hand, or possibly lodged in your skull. I'm just a generally lethal kind've guy. So, yeah, I'll be a highlander, and things should be pretty cool.

Also election day is coming up, by which I mean Symbolic But Secretly Ineffective Voter "Participation" Day followed by Highly Televised and Litigated But Ultimately Boring (Yet Crucial) Recount Day (or month). Yes, I expect many, many problems this year. I hear both candidates will have a team of Elite, Airborn Lawyers constantly circling over hapless America waiting to drop out of the air on jetpacks and contest ballot counts in counties all over the country. It's like a really shitty 70's team of superheroes (or villains. Probably villains.) You think I'm joking, but I'm not.

Anyways, by the time all the legal garbage is over you'll probably have forgotten who you voted for in the first place and will instead be concerned if Tony is going to survive this season of the Sopranos or if your boyfriend really is screwing around on you. The rest of the world probably won't have forgotten, but, hey, when have we ever paid attention to them? That's right, only long enough for our missles to seek them out.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

I'm all up in yo face, biatch

So I was walkin across the mall this morning and some girl at some booth stops to talk to me about domestic abuse, so I ask her if it's normal for your dad to tie you up with jumper cables and hold you down while your mom sticks hot pool balls up your ass, and she stares at me and says yes and so I flash my piece and then the bitch changes her fuckin tune.

In the real world, however, I recently discovered that my creepy-intimate women's lit teacher has published a book. Not a book I can respect like 3 Easy Steps to Insurance Fraud or Minorities: Why Don't They Just Leave?, but a book about Native Americans. Book publishing is apparently pretty popular among my professors, because while searching through the list I found out my Shakespeare Prof published a book about Machiavelli. If I ever become a professor, I'll publish a book called Watershed: The Growth of Humanity's Conscious During World War II and it would consist of nothing but photos of men violently hitting porn stars with pies. Hot. If anyone complained I would simply sign this picture ( and send it to them in the mail. That'll teach those narrow minded bastards.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Cast and Crew Update

Howdy, all. Since I care so much about my loving public and am also bored shitless, I'm going to update the cast and crew bios (see the first post I made) to include the people who didn't interest me enough to keep me writing at two in the morning.

David Terrence Archibald McManus (Ted) Jeans: Loyal housewife and mother of four, David Jeans has become world famous for his invention of SedaJell, the sedative jello that puts your kids out like obnoxious, greasy lightbulbs. Despite proven facts that SedaJell causes massive internal hemmhoraging and just generally tastes like panda shit, David Jeans has evaded lawsuits by relocating to France, where no one has any civil rights and thus can't sue at all. He continues living the high life today, beating his kids around the clock in his forty acre mansion. Let's all give an enthusiastic thumbs up for the happy, healthy family of foreign monsters.

John Allen: Who the fuck cares about John Allen?

Perry Twyford: Perry Twyford is the alter ego of the famous "Masked Accountant," a financial vigilante in Portland, Oregon of astoundingly scrupulous acumen famed for descending on helpless citizens and balancing their checkbooks in a flash of expensive pen caps and W2's. However, his exploits were put to an end when Perry was arrested for connections with an online pornography ring. But the city of Portland (and numerous abused children) will always remember the tale of Perry Twyford, the Masked Accountant.

Editor's note: I swear to God I didn't make Perry an accountant just because he's Jewish. I just like the name "Masked Accountant." Swear to God, dude.

Jimmy Hilton: Born and raised in Huntsville, Texas, Jimmy Hilton's only claim to fame is that he has been fired by every single miniature golf course in the tristate area. Reasons for this remain virtually unknown and uncared about.


Goddamn, what a depressing day. First of all I started out in Astronomy where we listed all the various ways the world is going to inevitably end and how humanity is simply devouring itself, and then I went on to Political Theory where we went over Hobbes who stated that there is no good and evil outside of arbitrary law and man is in a state of constant warfare for desires which can never be satisfied. Needless to say at the end of the class we were all so enthused over this philosophy that we all spontaneously jumped out of our seats and began giving each other peppy high-fives and claps on the shoulder.

So to cheer myself up, I'm going to talk about a subject that's always a ray of sunshine in our lives: politics. I'm going to go over the platforms of the two presidential candidates as I understand them from watching TV.

John Kerry: John Kerry feels that every woman should be forced to get an abortion even if she doesn't want one, because it's just so darn fun. He also thinks fetus tissue should be used for numerous things, such as lubricants for your engine and condiments in day to day meals. If he is elected president he wil try and single out the families that work the hardest for their money and then will tax them into oblivion so that he can spend more money on unemployed minorities and fruitless bureaucracies such as the Bureau of Grass Length Inspection. He feels that all people who are not white are not responsible for their actions because they are all oppressed by the white devil, and if he becomes president he will institute a National Give Your Home To A Foreigner For No Reason Day. When it comes to the war in Iraq, he will not remove troops from the area. Instead he will simply remove all weapons and defenses from them, as well as Israeli troops, so that vicious mobs of Arabs can roll over them, eating them alive in a fit of rabid fury. In order to placate the downtrodden Iraqis more, he will also send the elderly mothers of the troops to Iraq so that the wounded people can rape them and then put them to death, hopefully vindicating their ever-inspiring spirits and making amends for the atrocious acts America has done. He will also give Jaques Chirac many, many blowjobs.

George Bush: George Bush thinks that money is an indication of divine right, and that the top .00004% of wealthy Americans should be allowed to enslave the rest of working America in order to produce more shoddy products and pollution, because smog just smells so great and who wants to see the year 2050 anyways? Minorities should be round up in camps and then driven into the sea like the cattle they are, and homosexuals should be whipped into a fine paste by industrial equipment and then fed to livestock. On the subject of bullets he is in favor of them flying at many people, preferably ones whose skins are a darker color than his. If elected President he will invade all nations who don't speak English the right way (with words like "ain't" and "geeyonouttaheah") with things like cruise missles and powerful atomic weapons. He will also start to refer to himself as Big Brother, and if the word "America" is not followed by the phrase "the country of God" whenever it is mentioned John Ashcroft will drop out of the sky on a jetpack and arrest you for thoughtcrime. George Bush also bathes and masturbates in crude oil regularly, and has now replaced much of his organic blood with it.

Ralph Nader is a fictitious invention of the nefarious demons of the Republican Party so that the Democrats will lose, or so the Democrats say. Republicans, on the other hand, claim that he is America's greatest hero and Bush regularly states, his eyes glistening with tears, that if he is not allowed on the ballot then this country is doomed to communism.

At least, that's the platforms as I understand them. Now all you have to do is decide who to vote against, because no one really supports any candidate, right?

Monday, October 18, 2004

Well, holy shit, boys n girls, I have a goddamn blog. Doesn't that suck? I think so. In time, as you come to know my erraticaly comprehensible thoughts, I'm sure you'll agree, possibly by mailing me various letters threatening bodily harm, or maybe America's old fashioned favorite, the subpoena. That's okay, though. If they were the first few I've gotten, yeah, I'd be worried, but as they're just the tail end of the legion of controversy my simpleton mind has produced, fuck em, I don't give a flying shit. Besides, it's safe to assume you're a gibbering retard whose only two actions are gibbering and giving your privates a good squeeze, so consider your opinions totally ignored.

Let's meet the cast and crew of the fantastic B movie that I like to call my life, or what others tend to call a "violent, alcoholic delusion."

Noah Johnson: Famed outspoken gay rights activist and lover of Gaullic culture, Noah Johnson is perhaps most famous for his numerous paintings of Montana farmhands and speeches against free speech, Christianity, capitalism, war, bullets, and truth, justice, and the American way. Some say his most celebrated act was when he used the American Flag as a rolling paper for a "seriously humongoid doobie" and "totally flared the fucker up." The footage of him doing this was awarded "Greatest Thing Ever" at the Cannes Film Festival.

Tyler Olson: Born in Kentuky in 1978, Tyler Olson has built a successful career as carpet salesman by day and notorious homosexual club dancer "Glory Hole" by night, recognized by his trademark leather mask that has prosthetic pensis extending from it in all directions like, as he describes, "the most pleasurable cactus ever." His best performance usually involves a nubile young asian boy doing something illicit with each member.

Josh Brewster: Josh Brewster was adopted by a Ukranian family in the July of 1947 and has since proven to be possibly the most obese person to have ever lived. By the age of twelve he was no longer capable of movement across the ground, and the only way he was able to eat was by devising a complex system of pulleys and levers to maneuver the food to his mouth. Thanks to modern medicine, Josh is now able to eat without moving at all, simply having gallons mashed potatoes pumped into his stomach via a tube up his rectum.

Derek Fairchild: Audiences across the nation found Derek Fairchild's zany acts to be too far out there for any normal human, and this, of course, is true. Thanks to the miracle of digital technology, Derek Fairchild is actually what is called a CGI character, voiced by talented actor Tony Danza. Stay tuned to see what crazy conundrum Derek will get himself into next!

Richard Coel: Throughout the world, the demonic name of otherworldly beast Richard Coel is only whispered in the darkest of shadows. Descending from the foulest, most unimaginable and hellish voids of the deepest parts of space, the , immortal, incomprehensible being known as Richard Coel has continued to plague the pathetic race of humanity time and time again. It is perhaps most famous for manifesting itself outside of Magrhab-Maizub, a village in Southern Jordan, and, in a blaze of sick, eldritch light, vomiting forth a swarm of fleshy, misshapen insects that devoured the entire population alive. Since then he has retreated under the monstrous colds of the deep arctic, his mad, deranged, and alien mind boiling in on itself with depraved thoughts.

Marc Robinson is simply a cardboard cut out. Any characteristics he might appear to have were simply improvised by the rest of the cast.

Jasper Foreman was fired into space by the Russians in 1974 for almost no other reason than that "he looked a lot like the kid from Malcolm in the Middle. You know, the asshole one." Scientists predict that he is still alive, though they were pretty hammered when they said that, and one of them totally threw up on the bisk later that night, and I swear to God, dude, it was like entirely shrimp, I shit you not.

That's all for now, maybe some more later. Bed time.