Tuesday, October 19, 2004


Goddamn, what a depressing day. First of all I started out in Astronomy where we listed all the various ways the world is going to inevitably end and how humanity is simply devouring itself, and then I went on to Political Theory where we went over Hobbes who stated that there is no good and evil outside of arbitrary law and man is in a state of constant warfare for desires which can never be satisfied. Needless to say at the end of the class we were all so enthused over this philosophy that we all spontaneously jumped out of our seats and began giving each other peppy high-fives and claps on the shoulder.

So to cheer myself up, I'm going to talk about a subject that's always a ray of sunshine in our lives: politics. I'm going to go over the platforms of the two presidential candidates as I understand them from watching TV.

John Kerry: John Kerry feels that every woman should be forced to get an abortion even if she doesn't want one, because it's just so darn fun. He also thinks fetus tissue should be used for numerous things, such as lubricants for your engine and condiments in day to day meals. If he is elected president he wil try and single out the families that work the hardest for their money and then will tax them into oblivion so that he can spend more money on unemployed minorities and fruitless bureaucracies such as the Bureau of Grass Length Inspection. He feels that all people who are not white are not responsible for their actions because they are all oppressed by the white devil, and if he becomes president he will institute a National Give Your Home To A Foreigner For No Reason Day. When it comes to the war in Iraq, he will not remove troops from the area. Instead he will simply remove all weapons and defenses from them, as well as Israeli troops, so that vicious mobs of Arabs can roll over them, eating them alive in a fit of rabid fury. In order to placate the downtrodden Iraqis more, he will also send the elderly mothers of the troops to Iraq so that the wounded people can rape them and then put them to death, hopefully vindicating their ever-inspiring spirits and making amends for the atrocious acts America has done. He will also give Jaques Chirac many, many blowjobs.

George Bush: George Bush thinks that money is an indication of divine right, and that the top .00004% of wealthy Americans should be allowed to enslave the rest of working America in order to produce more shoddy products and pollution, because smog just smells so great and who wants to see the year 2050 anyways? Minorities should be round up in camps and then driven into the sea like the cattle they are, and homosexuals should be whipped into a fine paste by industrial equipment and then fed to livestock. On the subject of bullets he is in favor of them flying at many people, preferably ones whose skins are a darker color than his. If elected President he will invade all nations who don't speak English the right way (with words like "ain't" and "geeyonouttaheah") with things like cruise missles and powerful atomic weapons. He will also start to refer to himself as Big Brother, and if the word "America" is not followed by the phrase "the country of God" whenever it is mentioned John Ashcroft will drop out of the sky on a jetpack and arrest you for thoughtcrime. George Bush also bathes and masturbates in crude oil regularly, and has now replaced much of his organic blood with it.

Ralph Nader is a fictitious invention of the nefarious demons of the Republican Party so that the Democrats will lose, or so the Democrats say. Republicans, on the other hand, claim that he is America's greatest hero and Bush regularly states, his eyes glistening with tears, that if he is not allowed on the ballot then this country is doomed to communism.

At least, that's the platforms as I understand them. Now all you have to do is decide who to vote against, because no one really supports any candidate, right?


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