Monday, October 18, 2004

Well, holy shit, boys n girls, I have a goddamn blog. Doesn't that suck? I think so. In time, as you come to know my erraticaly comprehensible thoughts, I'm sure you'll agree, possibly by mailing me various letters threatening bodily harm, or maybe America's old fashioned favorite, the subpoena. That's okay, though. If they were the first few I've gotten, yeah, I'd be worried, but as they're just the tail end of the legion of controversy my simpleton mind has produced, fuck em, I don't give a flying shit. Besides, it's safe to assume you're a gibbering retard whose only two actions are gibbering and giving your privates a good squeeze, so consider your opinions totally ignored.

Let's meet the cast and crew of the fantastic B movie that I like to call my life, or what others tend to call a "violent, alcoholic delusion."

Noah Johnson: Famed outspoken gay rights activist and lover of Gaullic culture, Noah Johnson is perhaps most famous for his numerous paintings of Montana farmhands and speeches against free speech, Christianity, capitalism, war, bullets, and truth, justice, and the American way. Some say his most celebrated act was when he used the American Flag as a rolling paper for a "seriously humongoid doobie" and "totally flared the fucker up." The footage of him doing this was awarded "Greatest Thing Ever" at the Cannes Film Festival.

Tyler Olson: Born in Kentuky in 1978, Tyler Olson has built a successful career as carpet salesman by day and notorious homosexual club dancer "Glory Hole" by night, recognized by his trademark leather mask that has prosthetic pensis extending from it in all directions like, as he describes, "the most pleasurable cactus ever." His best performance usually involves a nubile young asian boy doing something illicit with each member.

Josh Brewster: Josh Brewster was adopted by a Ukranian family in the July of 1947 and has since proven to be possibly the most obese person to have ever lived. By the age of twelve he was no longer capable of movement across the ground, and the only way he was able to eat was by devising a complex system of pulleys and levers to maneuver the food to his mouth. Thanks to modern medicine, Josh is now able to eat without moving at all, simply having gallons mashed potatoes pumped into his stomach via a tube up his rectum.

Derek Fairchild: Audiences across the nation found Derek Fairchild's zany acts to be too far out there for any normal human, and this, of course, is true. Thanks to the miracle of digital technology, Derek Fairchild is actually what is called a CGI character, voiced by talented actor Tony Danza. Stay tuned to see what crazy conundrum Derek will get himself into next!

Richard Coel: Throughout the world, the demonic name of otherworldly beast Richard Coel is only whispered in the darkest of shadows. Descending from the foulest, most unimaginable and hellish voids of the deepest parts of space, the , immortal, incomprehensible being known as Richard Coel has continued to plague the pathetic race of humanity time and time again. It is perhaps most famous for manifesting itself outside of Magrhab-Maizub, a village in Southern Jordan, and, in a blaze of sick, eldritch light, vomiting forth a swarm of fleshy, misshapen insects that devoured the entire population alive. Since then he has retreated under the monstrous colds of the deep arctic, his mad, deranged, and alien mind boiling in on itself with depraved thoughts.

Marc Robinson is simply a cardboard cut out. Any characteristics he might appear to have were simply improvised by the rest of the cast.

Jasper Foreman was fired into space by the Russians in 1974 for almost no other reason than that "he looked a lot like the kid from Malcolm in the Middle. You know, the asshole one." Scientists predict that he is still alive, though they were pretty hammered when they said that, and one of them totally threw up on the bisk later that night, and I swear to God, dude, it was like entirely shrimp, I shit you not.

That's all for now, maybe some more later. Bed time.


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