Halloween/Election Day fun/garbage
Fuckin A, it's almost Halloween, kids, the most important religious holiday of the year. That is, if you're a Wiccan or something. Halloween is important to Americans because it's the one time of year you get to pretend you're something other than a dull, unexciting moron who sits around watching TV all day waiting for the magical glowing box to tell you what to think, and instead you get to be what you really wanted to be, like a spaceman, or a witch, or a woman or something. Also, you get to get totally loaded while women (the smart ones at least) wear the most legally revealing costumes possible, such as a maid or Wonderwoman. Wearing costumes like that is also important to our cultural history, though if you really sat us down and asked us how that was we honestly couldn't tell you. On the other hand, however, yay boobies.
"So, Robert," you ask, "how can you possible improve upon the specimen of perfection that you obviously are?" And the answer to that would be: add a sword and take off my shirt. This generally improves the statue of anyone below 200 pounds. This Halloween should be pretty amusing, because I'll have both A: a lethal amount of booze in my bloodstream and B: a lethal weapon right in my hand, or possibly lodged in your skull. I'm just a generally lethal kind've guy. So, yeah, I'll be a highlander, and things should be pretty cool.
Also election day is coming up, by which I mean Symbolic But Secretly Ineffective Voter "Participation" Day followed by Highly Televised and Litigated But Ultimately Boring (Yet Crucial) Recount Day (or month). Yes, I expect many, many problems this year. I hear both candidates will have a team of Elite, Airborn Lawyers constantly circling over hapless America waiting to drop out of the air on jetpacks and contest ballot counts in counties all over the country. It's like a really shitty 70's team of superheroes (or villains. Probably villains.) You think I'm joking, but I'm not.
Anyways, by the time all the legal garbage is over you'll probably have forgotten who you voted for in the first place and will instead be concerned if Tony is going to survive this season of the Sopranos or if your boyfriend really is screwing around on you. The rest of the world probably won't have forgotten, but, hey, when have we ever paid attention to them? That's right, only long enough for our missles to seek them out.
"So, Robert," you ask, "how can you possible improve upon the specimen of perfection that you obviously are?" And the answer to that would be: add a sword and take off my shirt. This generally improves the statue of anyone below 200 pounds. This Halloween should be pretty amusing, because I'll have both A: a lethal amount of booze in my bloodstream and B: a lethal weapon right in my hand, or possibly lodged in your skull. I'm just a generally lethal kind've guy. So, yeah, I'll be a highlander, and things should be pretty cool.
Also election day is coming up, by which I mean Symbolic But Secretly Ineffective Voter "Participation" Day followed by Highly Televised and Litigated But Ultimately Boring (Yet Crucial) Recount Day (or month). Yes, I expect many, many problems this year. I hear both candidates will have a team of Elite, Airborn Lawyers constantly circling over hapless America waiting to drop out of the air on jetpacks and contest ballot counts in counties all over the country. It's like a really shitty 70's team of superheroes (or villains. Probably villains.) You think I'm joking, but I'm not.
Anyways, by the time all the legal garbage is over you'll probably have forgotten who you voted for in the first place and will instead be concerned if Tony is going to survive this season of the Sopranos or if your boyfriend really is screwing around on you. The rest of the world probably won't have forgotten, but, hey, when have we ever paid attention to them? That's right, only long enough for our missles to seek them out.
posted by Robert at 8:06 AM
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