Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Cast and Crew Update

Howdy, all. Since I care so much about my loving public and am also bored shitless, I'm going to update the cast and crew bios (see the first post I made) to include the people who didn't interest me enough to keep me writing at two in the morning.

David Terrence Archibald McManus (Ted) Jeans: Loyal housewife and mother of four, David Jeans has become world famous for his invention of SedaJell, the sedative jello that puts your kids out like obnoxious, greasy lightbulbs. Despite proven facts that SedaJell causes massive internal hemmhoraging and just generally tastes like panda shit, David Jeans has evaded lawsuits by relocating to France, where no one has any civil rights and thus can't sue at all. He continues living the high life today, beating his kids around the clock in his forty acre mansion. Let's all give an enthusiastic thumbs up for the happy, healthy family of foreign monsters.

John Allen: Who the fuck cares about John Allen?

Perry Twyford: Perry Twyford is the alter ego of the famous "Masked Accountant," a financial vigilante in Portland, Oregon of astoundingly scrupulous acumen famed for descending on helpless citizens and balancing their checkbooks in a flash of expensive pen caps and W2's. However, his exploits were put to an end when Perry was arrested for connections with an online pornography ring. But the city of Portland (and numerous abused children) will always remember the tale of Perry Twyford, the Masked Accountant.

Editor's note: I swear to God I didn't make Perry an accountant just because he's Jewish. I just like the name "Masked Accountant." Swear to God, dude.

Jimmy Hilton: Born and raised in Huntsville, Texas, Jimmy Hilton's only claim to fame is that he has been fired by every single miniature golf course in the tristate area. Reasons for this remain virtually unknown and uncared about.