Thursday, September 29, 2005

How to Please a Woman

Every good experience in the bedroom - or the living room, or the dining room, or the kitchen on the counter, or in the bathroom, or on the porch, or behind your local Denny's, or in the back of a cop car - starts with a kiss. You have to kiss her. Don't assume you know how she likes to be kissed. As with most everything you do with a woman, you have to look for feedback. So when you kiss her, don't shove your tongue down her throat. Unless she shoves HER tongue down your throat first, in which case, hey dude, you're absolutely fucking golden there. Go for it.

Otherwise, lean in and kiss her lightly. Don't use tongue instantly - believe it or not, some women don't like tongue. Really! Some women don't enjoy french kissing. Get a feel very briefly for the way she likes to be kissed; is she pressing harder against you, kissing you a little harder than you're kissing her? Step it up, keep the pace with her. Try lightly pressing your tongue against her lips as she kisses you; if she wants your tongue in her mouth, she's going to open her mouth. Again, don't cram your tongue down her throat. Just use your tongue to play with hers, let them mingle. Start out slowly, then pick up the pace a little. Does she go along with you? Is she pressing against you a little harder? Sweet. You're not doing badly, then.

Also, make sure your hands aren't hanging limply at your sides while you're kissing her. Run your fingers through her hair, cup her chin in your hand, rest one palm against the side of her face, let your fingers trail lightly down her neck. Touch her while you're kissing her; it'll really enhance the kiss by helping turn her on just a little more, and it'll help you build up your tactile energy, which you'll need a little bit later on.

Now it's time to get her naked; this is very important, as the rest of the ritual cannot be performed if she's clothed. Touch is extremely important here, too; as you remove her shirt, her bra, her skirt, her panties, you must touch her. Let your fingers trail lightly down her neck, between her breasts, over her stomach. Rest your hands on her hips; lean in and kiss her again. Let your hands drift up again; cup her breasts while you kiss her, teasing her nipples with your fingers. Once she's completely naked, continue to build up your tactile energy, and you'll continue to turn her on more and more.

Guide her to the bed. Lay her down and take your place beside her, and continue kissing her. Your fingers should never leave her body at this point; you cannot afford to break the connection now. Explore her body slowly, patiently, taking special note of her reactions. Does she moan and shiver when you kiss her neck? Good. Do that again. Don't rush, and don't stop touching her. Touch her breasts, her nipples, her neck, her back, her legs, everywhere. Kiss her nipples; suck on them lightly, nibble them lightly. Continue to kiss her; watch her, watch her reactions. Look into her eyes while you touch her.

Let your fingers slide down to her legs. Trace your fingers along her inner thigh, teasing her even more. By this time she should be incredibly turned on, and she should be ready for you to go down on her. This is the perfect time to break the connection and focus the tactile energy you've been storing up. The altar should be ready, the words in your head. Now it's time to finish the ritual.

Remove your hands from her body and situate yourself over her prone form; straddle her chest and raise your hands above your head. Spread your arms and let your hands fall back slightly. Curl in your ring and pinky fingers, leaving your thumb and other fingers completely extended. This will help you channel the tactile energy, to focus it. You may notice a slight, soft, preliminary glow around the edges of your hands. Don't worry; it hasn't begun yet. This is normal.

She may ask what you're doing. Don't answer her; the only words you can afford to say at this point are the words of the ancient T'kahsh. If you utter any other words, not only will the ceremony halt, but you will lose more energy than you have gained. You may even revert to your true form, and you cannot even begin to imagine the chaos that would ensue if that happened. Smile at her reassuringly, and begin speaking the words in a low, calm voice. Utter the following:

"E'hat neha eh karai, e'hat karai. T'kahsh kala eh'rat nala ehto karai."

You will notice the soft red glow of the e'hat around your hands at this point; it will creep down your arms, flowing like water. This will mean that the ritual is going correctly.

Your woman may begin to struggle at this point. One good thing about this ritual of rebirth is that your mental powers will be at their strongest once the strength of the e'hat begins to flow through you. Simply meet her gaze, lock your eyes with hers. Her struggles will cease instantly, and she will not renew her struggling for the duration of the ritual. Once this has been done, you can relax. It's almost over now, and unless you fuck something up, you're set.

Place your hands together, one over the other, and place them atop her chest. They should be positioned as if you're trying to give her chest compressions. You'll see the e'hat flow over her body, sinking into her. You will instantly feel the strength as you lock into her spirit. Now you must finish the words. Recite the following:

"Eh'rai T'kahsh kala no keh, kala no hai, e'hat karai t'nai."

You will notice the e'hat brighten, and you will feel a surge of power as her spirit is torn from her body, shredded, and fed into yours. The rush will be almost overwhelming, and you may feel the urge to scream. This is fine, considering the fact that the words have all been spoken. A primal scream is natural at this point. Within a few seconds, her spirit will be completely absorbed into yours, and the e'hat will dissipate.

Your woman will be dead at this point. I can't help you dispose of the body; that's up to you. Just remember to cast a quick invisibility charm on it before you dump it; it'll take very little of your spirit, and it'll last for six hundred years. They'll never find her.

Enjoy your refreshed, rejuvenated spirit!

Note: I did not write this, but I sure wish I had.


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