Sunday, March 06, 2005

I Am A Better Person Than You (now with 15% more stupidity!)

When it comes right down to it, every once in a while a person is born whose life is so much more important than everyone else's that the deaths of thousands are worth just feeding him a burrito, even if it isn't a very good burrito, with the shitty grocery store sour cream and grade G meat and such.

You should probably know that I am not one of these bronzed gods of men. I'm more like their king. Infallible, brilliant, yet humble and with okay hygiene, and the genitals of a thoroughbred stallion.

If you want to know where I'm going with this, I sure as hell don't know. However, I have noticed that there are many facets of society which severely need my keen attention.

For one, I think that the motivational posters in elementary schools are sorely unfit for preparing kids for the real world. I have thought up several slogans which I think are sure to galvanize the sloven and decrepit ranks of our children and get them back to the coal mines. As you read, try not to drool as you gape at my intelligence.

Ugly Kids Are For Desk Jobs

This Kitten is Sad Because You Can't Spell

Pants Surprises are Fun Surprises

Only Asian Kids Are Good at Math. White Kids Are for Pretend Jobs.

The Kiddie Porn Industry is a Growth Industry

You Know You Were An Accident if All Your Toys Suck

Your New Mommy is Prettier for a Reason

If Someone Offers You Candy to Get in their Car, Shit, Take It, It's Fucking Candy, Dumbass

Like the Easter Bunny? You're a Fag, and a Stupid Fag to Boot

As you can see, kids would be leaping out of their desks after reading these encouranging statements. I don't know why they'd be leaping, but kids are stupid and jump around and yell all the time, right? Something like that. Also they shit all the time. They're like puppies, only these you HAVE to feed.

Also, here's a list of good nicknames and nom de plumes for no real reason. (extra names included!)

Buffs McMuscles

Ford O'Brawny

Gene Shallitt

Bullit McMagnum

Slate Absen

Monsieur Carton - Southern Wyoming's Finest Boxed Wine

Caesar O'Tyrant

Hedonism Bot

Sloane Hung

Johnny Stompanado

Max Powers

Max Payne

Max Turbo

Max Action

Max Volume

Mad Max

Max Max

Phallus Van Horne

Nitro O'splosive

Ted Kennedy

Kermit the Fucking Asskicker

Rocky del Granite

Ted Danson

Romeo Adonis "I'm Very Good At Sex" Casanova

And that's all for tonight. I think we've all been enlightened. Also, the coedine is making me very sleepy.


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