Thursday, January 20, 2005

The Prodigal Son Returns

Well, boys n girls, time for school again, something we've all looked forward to since our drinking problems became so uncontrollable that we need an excuse to stop. Right? Sure I am.

I returned to my apartment expecting to find it sterile and empty, being that we cleaned the living shit outta that messy fucker right before we left. However, Tyler and Richard apparently used it as a crucial way point in their return trip from the Rose Bowl, so it looked like an overdressed hobo had exploded in there, but not before making lots of lots of dirty dishes and ordering what HAD to be at least four pizzas. Now THAT'S a hobo who sure know how to multi-task.

So immediately I felt appalled and violated, a thing which most people don't feel until at least the second class. I got the trauma over early, though, so, good for me...? Richard and Derek with both there, having been cheerfully living in actual garbage for so long that Somolians would vocally object. They instantly demanded hugs, but I left with my parents to go eat with my brother, his girlfriend, and her mom from Spain, at a restaurant where the outside patio had several grackles who loved to both eat and then promptly shit in your food. The ambience was charming.

I then lived the life of a superhero: lots of video games by day, a deep miasma of alcoholism by night. I'm sure someone made up that superhero at some point in time. I ran into my ol' buddy Jameson, the only guy who has a voracious love of whisky equivalent to my own, and over a period of four days we punished our livers like SM whores and gave new meanings to the word "hammered." Eventually even Jasper, that sterling model of virtue whom all children and religious authorities adore, criticized my fun, but it was cool, I told him to eat shit or something.

If you haven't seen the Sin City trailer, you're missing out on something awesome indeed.

Got a lot of neato classes, all of which seem... surprisingly... fun. I know, it's madness, but it's true. For instance, one of my classes is Eroticism in 18th Century England, and if you think it's a bunch of dudes in tricorner hats going down on some ho in a poofy skirt, you're almost right, but not quite, back then they called their ho's ladies, and only slapped them occasionally. By far what I'm most excited about is swimming, which may confuse you who have seen me with my shirt off because I have skin so incredibly white it reflects the light of a thousand suns and BLINDS all who dare look upon it. I'm like Zeus, only instead of lightning I've got... foor odor? Something? I don't know. But, yes, I will be taking my shirt off voluntarily in front of groups of people twice a week. I'm the biggest dude there, which is cool, and I plan to swim in the off-days so I'll probably be the fastest. I'll make them call me WHITE LIGHTNING (guitar solo). I like swimming, though, because it'll tone my knees and will turn me into a wood-carved adonis of destruction. You can expect a lot of "I will chase you down and powder your bones with my teeth, worthless mortal," once I lose about four pounds, which theoretically may be the only fat on me, but that itself in unacceptable. The required ass-naked showers will also invite me into the world of classic locker-room stunts that all my wrestling buddies had and I missed out on. For instance, the time Derek put his penis on Marc to prove his honor, or the time Jimmy nailed Marc in the kidneys and he fell down and his nads fell out of his shorts and touched the cement floor, causing him to leap up shrieking "IT'S COLD! IT'S COLD!" I sincerely feel inadequate for not having taken this young man's journey of homoerotic sexual molestation. It'll be GREAT!


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