Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Tough Questions

Well, Donald Rumsfeld apparently thought going over to the troops in Iraq and fielding questions was a great idea, ignoring one of the first rules of standing up and giving a speech:

1. Do not stand up and give speeches before heavily armed marksmen.

Seriously, I thought this was common knowledge, along with "Pay the whore afterwards" and "Sometimes you have to say, 'What the fuck!'"

Apparently the troops put the screws to Rumsfeld, asking questions about such policies as "Paper helmet day," the "Socks can be food, too" program, and the policy meant to appease more liberal citizens, "Flowers, not bullets," which turned out to be a very pretty but savagely bloody strategic catastrophe. If I were Rumsfeld I would've told them I was coming and then just sent Rip Taylor ( and had him throw glitter everywhere. Calamity averted.

Here are some of the questions I'd would've asked Rumsfeld.

10. Whatever happened to the "rape and pillage" initiative?
9. I know some of us are supposed to dress as the women to blend in, but is it really kosher for my general to put me in a dress and make me sit on his lap?
8. Are you squinting because the lights at press conferences are bright, or are you just a big fan of Clint Eastwood?
7. Do lies really make baby Jesus cry?
6. Wow, baby Jesus is kind've a wuss, huh?
5. Why don't we get some of those big dinosaur things from Star Wars: Episode One with one of those big machines that can project those huge shields and then the battle droids just have to fucking walk through? Why don't we have that, huh? Got your fuckin lase defense systems and shit, but George Lucas just stays one step ahead of you, doesn't he, you tight ass sissy bastards?
4. Why did you think "Stars and Stripes: American Pride Camo" was a good idea?
3. How about instead of a gun that shoots bullets, I could have like a water pistol that shoots jelly, and then I could shoot jelly into my mouth without all the hassle of acquiring a spoon and lifting said spoon to my mouth?
2. I wish our artillery fired circus clowns like the one at Barnum and Baileys, because I hate circus clowns. I guess that's not really a question, but seriously, they really creep me out.
1. Why does mommy cry in the shower after she and daddy wrestle naked? Is it true that every time they do that, she dies a little on the inside?

That's it for today, folks. I hope you're happier for reading this.


Blogger Zach said...

Dear lord. What an amazing blog.

December 9, 2004 at 9:07 PM  

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