Monday, December 13, 2004

An Experiment, if you will

As many of you know, the boundless limits of my intellect often give cause for my great and expansive mind to become quite curious at times, as well as downright psychotic at others. But today I feel a penchant for the scientific, so I believe I can further aid the progress of the human race by conducting an experiment of the most delicate sort.

Basically, I'm gonna see how competent this blog is later because right now I'm writing it at 5:47 in the morning. Sober.

Today I decided to be an agoraphobic and play video games all goddamn day. Well, I use the term "day" in the most liberal sense, because, see, I woke up at 1:45 today and things really didn't get started until around 4, and again I very liberally use the phrase "things get started." When I say that I mean I played Warcraft and watched about a total of 17 minutes of football. I'd say I wore a shirt for about 11% of my waking time so far, and the world should consider itself lucky I wore pants, too. The only time I ventured outside was to go to Taco Cabana, and that was at around 9. The sun remains an elusive myth to me, although I think I might be seeing her face in a matter of minutes.

It's hard to see the keys and I'm so tired my back and and ass hurts. I can only assume it's cancer, and that within days my body will become a writhing infestation of malignant tumors. I think that's a reasonable thing to assume.

The reason I'm letting myself decay in such a slovenly fashion is that I have NO finals. NONE. Go ahead, hate me, people have been tossing me evil looks ever since that info became public. Or maybe it's because I keep kidnapping their pets and shaving swear words into their sides. Either way, evil looks are in right now, and I don't have finals, so I feel the need to have as much crazy ass fun in order to make up for all the suffering going on in the academic world right now.

Let's take a look at the news.

Ukranian political opposition leader Viktor Yushchenko has been being steadily poisoned for the past few years. Or something.

I don't know about you guys, but I was shocked. I mean, the Ukraine has a political system? Holy shit! Wonders never cease! I always thought their method of selecting a leader was to have a pig tossing contest and whichever sturdy peasant folk managed to toss the pig the farthest became county baron or whatever (which meant he controlled the beer supply). But apparently they have elections and stuff now, but they haven't really evolved because, hey, they're poisoning their officials.

They knew the guy was being poisoned because as the years went by he steadily began to resemble Ben Grimm, otherwise the Thing from the Fantasic Four. It took them a while to notice, because Eastern Europeans are naturally either very, very hot (or hott, as the kids say) or very very ugly.

This seriously has to be one of the worst assasination attempts ever. It takes how long, and the effects are very visible? Come on, I thought you people were supposed to be great at violent political action. Aerate his head or mine his car, never break away from the classics.

Allright, whatever. Time for bed.


Blogger Zach said...

Still astounding.

December 14, 2004 at 2:10 PM  

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