Friday, January 21, 2005

The Most Ridiculous Post Ever

I challenged Noah to a ridiculous-off, in which we each make the most ridiculous post possible and see who wins. This is what I came up with in sixteen minutes:

EDIT: Well, I totally beat Noah and violated a few FCC rules. Here's a link to his Xanga, where you can see his entry:

So anyway today I wake up in my neighbor's tree really hung over and wearing nothing but a pair of swim trunks, a Red Sox hat, and one broken stilt still attatched to my right foot. My neighbor's down there on his lawn shouting at me so I start throwing chesnuts at him and I told him his breast implants looked like clumps of mashed potatoes and mayonnaise in flesh sacks, and while he was vomiting in disgust I made my daring escape by climbing down the tree, whipping him a few time with my keys, and running awkwardly away with the stilt dragging behind me.

It's about that time that a serious lollipop jones comes over me, and I know the only place to get a decent lolly is from that sweaty Mexican dude at the Zoo outside of the Panda Pit.

I swear to God he puts something in them. One time I tracked him down, put a leather glove on my hand, soaked it in gasoline, lit it on fire, and told him he could either tell me the truth or he could get a face full of my patented amateur wrestling move Fist of Fire, which is the sole reason Tony Fensiozi only has one eyebrow now, but I did get rid of that mole. Then I looked around and I realized I was standing in a kid's playground and was actually just threatening a ceramic Ronald McDonald statue. I gave him a good right hook just cause he was givin me the stink eye, and even though I broke two knuckles I'm pretty sure he knows who's boss.

So it turns out that I'm banned from the zoo because one account of this one time when I tried to shoot a few of the monkeys, which apparently is illegal in our stupid state, even if they're ugly monkeys, so I get a disguise ready by making a mask out of a Santa hat by cutting holes for the eyes and pulling it way down over my head, only I didn't know exactly where my eyes would be, so I just cut a shitload of holes and assumed two of them gotta line up. Then to throw them off further I took my shirt off and painted SANCHO PANZA on my chest so they'd think I was Sancho Panza, but I couldn't do it in the mirror so I painted it upside down but it looked rightside up to me and the rest of the world can just go and fuck itself, I'm Sancho fuckin Panza you worthless bunch of fucktards.

So I show up at the Zoo only it turns out that the Santa hat I made my mask out of was used as a stocking once and was full of chocolates, so what's left of the chocolates melt in the sun and the next thing I know I have a serious cloud of flies swarming around my head and it's hard to see but fuck it, I know which way the Zoo is, I can smell those fuckin monkeys and their faggot commie pinko propaganda. I come up and ask for a ticket and lady says I have to pay her some money or something, so I just start yelling "SANCH-O PAN-ZAY, SANCH-O PAN-ZAY!" and she lets me in because some retard asylum had a tour and she thought I was one of them. That was cool with me cause maybe I could catch up with them and steal one of those Rascals cause I've always wanted one of those, and maybe one of those helmets.

I maneuver my way through the crowd over to the Lolly Stand by telling a few people I have a bomb and they get out of the way, and then I get up there to get my lolly and damned if John Elway himself is sellin lollies today because he needs a job, and we do our secret handshake and make with the awesome official John Elway butt bump which gives plus 10 to agility and plus 4 to spirit. Then I start lickin my Lolly which is hard cause I gotta get it through one of the holes in the Santa Hat, and as I'm doin so I look over into the Panda Pit and one of the fat Chinese fucks is just starin at me and then I'll be fucked if that bastard didn't give me the finger. So I threw the first thing I had in my hand at it which turned out to be the Lolly and the damned thing just gets stuck right behind that panda's ear.

Well, shit, I wasn't gonna let some smart ass panda have the lolly that had spent half the day and violated several restraints getting, so I jump down in the pit and start to throw down my awesome elbow drops on that stupid marsupial or whatever. Maybe it's a fish or a whale, I don't care, but then he and his kin come out and have me cornered but then John Elway jumps down into the pit and does one mad sweet roundhouse that downs all the bastards and I pry my Lolly off of that crippled panda and stick it in my mouth and even though it has hair on it it's the sweetest damn Lolly I ever had.

Then Elway takes out a pack of brewskies and we crack open a few Silver Bullets and hit the brothels and the next thing I know I wake up in a dumpster in Rio with my face covered in roofing tar.


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