Tuesday, January 25, 2005

the worst post EVER

Okay. It's time to deal with you boys and girls on the level. There always is a moment in your past when that great, wonderful image of one individual who has always been a model of perfection to you will, indeed, be shattered. Eventually you will always have to come to grips with the grim, merciless specter of reality, and understand that your heroes are human, and they, too, can bleed.

This is that moment for you, America. (EDITOR'S NOTE: America is composed of six people who happen to know me)

At times, in my life, I become bored.

Yes, it's true. At some time there just isn't any more babies to save from fires caused by corporations, or exotic female tourists to aid in understanding America's culture, and why most of that culture involves doing something to some part of her body, or maybe Derek continues to refuse to give me a pony ride, or maybe there just isn't any more pungent garbage cans for me to dig through (and no, I do not wear gloves, I am not a pussy). But, eventually, I have nothing to do. Except bullshit in my blog, which is exactly what I plan to do.

Yes, godammit, like our forefathers in the past, I am ready to get up and work (and by get up at work I mean sit in this chair and not work). I am ready to do this country honor/horrific injury to its pride. I am ready to lead you into the future/dingy back alley. There has been too much of evil men/me and my cousin Earl looting the virtue of this great nation, and it's time for someone/no one to do something about it/sit around and watch tv all goddamn day.

So, pretty much what I'm saying is that I just asked Noah to give me a topic to write about, and Noah said that I should write about racism, and why there isn't enough of it.

This will be the least PC post ever written. I'm serious. No, not PC, this will be downright awful and nasty and stupid. You should just stop reading now. This will either kill you immediately or burn the eyes right out of your head. I'd like to stop writing this, but Noah said to, and I can't say no to Noah because he's adorable.

I'm serious. You have to have a VERY twisted sense of humor to read this. I'm looking back on what I wrote and I can't BELIEVE I did it. FYI, I believe none of this stuff. I just have to put that out there. Understand that. And then, if you refuse to understand that, understand that I don't care. I'm giving Noah all the credit on this train wreck. I'm sorry, world.

So, here we go.

(paid for by the Strom Thurmond memorial society)
by Noah Johnson

In the physical world, certain things follow certain rules. For instance, when you run an electric current through a certain type of wire, it will light up due to the resistance to that electricity. If a ball is dropped from a certain height, it will fall that exact height, and this is due to the invisible ghost-hands that live under the surface of the earth and hold us down. These are not true in all cases. These are generalities, but they are good enough so that you can usually make a safe bet on what's going to happen.

It is much the same way with nature. Males are attracted to females, unless they had extremely close bonds with their mothers as children. Females are attracted to males, unless paid signifant amounts of money by producers or truck drivers. And there are certain divisions of people that have their own certain rules, too.

You see, kids, when God made the world, he decided to "color code" people so we knew what we'd be dealing with. These colors go from dark to light, and the degree of darkness is naturally inverse to the degree of God's sweet, sweet blessing.

Some people, called "Liberals," or "lazy, whiny douches," which is their Latin name, would like you to think otherwise. They would like you to believe that this is, in fact, the opposite. Liberals believe in a man who was called Karl Marx, who once said that people who have advanced abilities should feel ashamed of themselves, and should not be allowed to make the world a better place. For instance, if your biceps were larger than those of the rest of the people (or "proles"), the authorities (or "Man-Gods-With-Big-Moustaches") would find what the average bicep size was, and then proceed to shave off layers of your biceps until you weren't better than anyone else. This is called "Communism," or "The NotGood."

For instance, white people have made things like boats, guns, electricity, horses, the sky, and those ghost-hands I talked about earlier. Remember the ghost-hands? If it weren't for white people, you'd be flying off the face of the earth and into God's heaven, where you are not welcome until He wants you there. Whereas the greatest thing black people have made so far is Usher and the high stock value of Menthols. Asian people have made noodles, but they managed to screw that up because they eat them with sticks. Imagine that! Who eats a noodle with a stick? Silly asians! And Indian and Arab people have made the plague and the innovation of using nails in suicide bombs, respectively.

So you see, boys and girls, these "colored" people behave in ways differently from us. First of all, none of them can read! So they don't know what we're talking about, wink, wink! But if you know the tendencies of these other people, you can understand how the world works better!

For instance, if you see a black man walking slowly down the road, swaying back and forth and being passed up by white people, you might, just for a moment, think that he does that because he's cool. But no! The reason black people walk slow and silly is because they do not have jobs to go to, whereas white people do, and walk at a brisk place. Also, this black person we've chosen might have incredibly large shirts, low shorts, and shoes that are large and silly. Also, his cap may be at angles that do not line up with his face, and his backpack straps may be down around his elbows. Is this because he is cool? No! It is because he does not know how to correctly operate clothing.

Now let us examine Asian people. Asian people are God's machines, working themselves to death. They do not actually have emotions, but have managed to evolve the semblance of a soul by mimicking the actions of civilized white people. One can tell they are not actually human beings by looking at their cartoons, which feature distorted images of people with giant eyes and tiny mouths, and the emotions of these people are expressed by, say, a teardrop on the side of their head, or maybe a series of squiggly lines coming out of their head for no apparent reason. Asian people are walking computers that live to serve one person's will, and upon failing that, will promptly disembowl themselves. Isn't that silly? Silly asians!

Do you understand now how the world works? And understand that races function along a certain series of actions, and racism is just the science of knowing those actions? Good! Maybe you can figure out what the actions of other races are, such as Mexicans, and everyone's favorite, the mulatto!


Godammit, I'm going to hell.

Understand that I do not believe any of that, but a good writer should always be capable of putting himself in the mindset of another, even if it's utterly awful and terrible (Noah Johnson's). I hope that decades in the future the world will understand, long after they have burned me at the stake.


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