Wednesday, February 09, 2005

People Watch the Dumbest Shit

Personally, I do not watch television. I am usually off reading Shakespeare's Sonnets and reciting the ones I know aloud, or perhaps and memorizing Chaucer and Stephen Hawking at the same time while being serviced by a prostitute. This is my typical Wednesday.

However, I've watched some of the boob tube and it seems like everyone is sitting around watching garbage so bad that a mentally damaged inebriated chimp could come up with. For instance, most of the shows go along the lines of

Stupid, Pretty People get Mealworms Dumped On Them and Then Are Dropped Out of a Plane

America's Funniest Family Tragedies


Douchebags You Don't Know or Care About Try to Sing and Then Are Judged by Other, Richer Douchebags

For instance, Derek was watching the Amazing Race, which falls into the first category, where the winner of the Race was a married pair of models who had to eat a pizza at the end to win a million dollars. They had gone through God knows what to get there, but all they had to do was eat a pizza. And then the stupid model wife almost couldn't do it. She couldn't eat TWO SLICES of PIZZA. For a million goddamn dollars. She was seriously about to throw up through out the entire "ordeal." Shit, I'd eat two slices of pizza for fifty dollars. So long as you're paying for the pizza.

They would up doing it, though, but the husband had to really pull through and, y'know, eat the rest of the pizza for the million dollars. The wife wound up praising him, saying, "He has finally proven himself to father my babies."

I don't know about you, but she sounds way too stupid for babies. She sounds too stupid for a dog, or even a ficus plant. She seems like the type of gal who would try and water the ficus plant but then wind up setting it on fire somehow, so God knows what she'd do to a baby human.

I'm writing this because I also happened to watch this thing called "The Puppy Bowl," on Animal Planet, which you will not believe. The entire day of the Superbowl they played this thing. All it was was a bunch of puppies in a pen designed to look like a football field playing for four goddamn hours. There wasn't any talking. Just puppies romping and playing and soothing guitar music. Occasionally one puppy would, like, do a really good romp or fall down or something? And then the words INSTANT REPLAY would flash across the screen and we'd see the madness again, only in slow mo. Later a referee came in and called a penalty on "Illegal use of paw" and proceeded to put a lot of doggie biscuits on the floor.

I am not kidding you. It had to be the worst TV in existence. And it played all day. I don't even have any jokes to tell about it. It's so stupid it stands by itself.

I've got a reality show for you. A GOOD one.

You take five chimps and stick em in a cage. Then you put four loaded guns in the middle of the cage. Then you just watch.

Can you imagine anything better? We'd be teaching them what it's like to be human, essentially! It'd be the greatest television event in like, at least four years or something. I'd watch.


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