Monday, December 13, 2004

An Experiment, if you will

As many of you know, the boundless limits of my intellect often give cause for my great and expansive mind to become quite curious at times, as well as downright psychotic at others. But today I feel a penchant for the scientific, so I believe I can further aid the progress of the human race by conducting an experiment of the most delicate sort.

Basically, I'm gonna see how competent this blog is later because right now I'm writing it at 5:47 in the morning. Sober.

Today I decided to be an agoraphobic and play video games all goddamn day. Well, I use the term "day" in the most liberal sense, because, see, I woke up at 1:45 today and things really didn't get started until around 4, and again I very liberally use the phrase "things get started." When I say that I mean I played Warcraft and watched about a total of 17 minutes of football. I'd say I wore a shirt for about 11% of my waking time so far, and the world should consider itself lucky I wore pants, too. The only time I ventured outside was to go to Taco Cabana, and that was at around 9. The sun remains an elusive myth to me, although I think I might be seeing her face in a matter of minutes.

It's hard to see the keys and I'm so tired my back and and ass hurts. I can only assume it's cancer, and that within days my body will become a writhing infestation of malignant tumors. I think that's a reasonable thing to assume.

The reason I'm letting myself decay in such a slovenly fashion is that I have NO finals. NONE. Go ahead, hate me, people have been tossing me evil looks ever since that info became public. Or maybe it's because I keep kidnapping their pets and shaving swear words into their sides. Either way, evil looks are in right now, and I don't have finals, so I feel the need to have as much crazy ass fun in order to make up for all the suffering going on in the academic world right now.

Let's take a look at the news.

Ukranian political opposition leader Viktor Yushchenko has been being steadily poisoned for the past few years. Or something.

I don't know about you guys, but I was shocked. I mean, the Ukraine has a political system? Holy shit! Wonders never cease! I always thought their method of selecting a leader was to have a pig tossing contest and whichever sturdy peasant folk managed to toss the pig the farthest became county baron or whatever (which meant he controlled the beer supply). But apparently they have elections and stuff now, but they haven't really evolved because, hey, they're poisoning their officials.

They knew the guy was being poisoned because as the years went by he steadily began to resemble Ben Grimm, otherwise the Thing from the Fantasic Four. It took them a while to notice, because Eastern Europeans are naturally either very, very hot (or hott, as the kids say) or very very ugly.

This seriously has to be one of the worst assasination attempts ever. It takes how long, and the effects are very visible? Come on, I thought you people were supposed to be great at violent political action. Aerate his head or mine his car, never break away from the classics.

Allright, whatever. Time for bed.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Tough Questions

Well, Donald Rumsfeld apparently thought going over to the troops in Iraq and fielding questions was a great idea, ignoring one of the first rules of standing up and giving a speech:

1. Do not stand up and give speeches before heavily armed marksmen.

Seriously, I thought this was common knowledge, along with "Pay the whore afterwards" and "Sometimes you have to say, 'What the fuck!'"

Apparently the troops put the screws to Rumsfeld, asking questions about such policies as "Paper helmet day," the "Socks can be food, too" program, and the policy meant to appease more liberal citizens, "Flowers, not bullets," which turned out to be a very pretty but savagely bloody strategic catastrophe. If I were Rumsfeld I would've told them I was coming and then just sent Rip Taylor ( and had him throw glitter everywhere. Calamity averted.

Here are some of the questions I'd would've asked Rumsfeld.

10. Whatever happened to the "rape and pillage" initiative?
9. I know some of us are supposed to dress as the women to blend in, but is it really kosher for my general to put me in a dress and make me sit on his lap?
8. Are you squinting because the lights at press conferences are bright, or are you just a big fan of Clint Eastwood?
7. Do lies really make baby Jesus cry?
6. Wow, baby Jesus is kind've a wuss, huh?
5. Why don't we get some of those big dinosaur things from Star Wars: Episode One with one of those big machines that can project those huge shields and then the battle droids just have to fucking walk through? Why don't we have that, huh? Got your fuckin lase defense systems and shit, but George Lucas just stays one step ahead of you, doesn't he, you tight ass sissy bastards?
4. Why did you think "Stars and Stripes: American Pride Camo" was a good idea?
3. How about instead of a gun that shoots bullets, I could have like a water pistol that shoots jelly, and then I could shoot jelly into my mouth without all the hassle of acquiring a spoon and lifting said spoon to my mouth?
2. I wish our artillery fired circus clowns like the one at Barnum and Baileys, because I hate circus clowns. I guess that's not really a question, but seriously, they really creep me out.
1. Why does mommy cry in the shower after she and daddy wrestle naked? Is it true that every time they do that, she dies a little on the inside?

That's it for today, folks. I hope you're happier for reading this.

Okay, fine

Okay. Okay. I officially suck at this blog thing. That’s because recently I have been incredibly busy with all the tests, finals, surgery, crimefighting, lobbying for anti-smoking bills, morphing into various giant anime robots to defend the earth from silly villains, and drinking. All right, maybe everything but the first part isn’t true, because I have no finals, but what the fuck do you care? It’s not like this is your primary source of information, right? Right?

So here’s how it’s going to work. Every Tuesday and Friday I will go to, pick out the headline, and comment on world affairs. Actually, fuck Tuesday and Friday, I’ll do it when I get bored watching TV and avoiding anything productive, which will probably be a lot more common. There. Now I have a schedule and a regimen (not really), and my legions of adoring fans (also a lie) will have their thirsts for my wisdom finally placated (boy, what a whopper).